Peter Witkowski Discipleship

David and Jonathan: The Illusion of Sex and the Nature of True Friendship

While those who adhere to the historic Christian faith love to champion the shepherd boy’s bold defeat of Goliath, they are much less comfortable with David and Jonathan’s relationship. In 2 Samuel 1:26, David famously pens the following oration for his dead friend, “I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; very pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was extraordinary surpassing the love of women.” Finding some parallels between David’s language above and that of the various sexual revolutions, some theologians have concluded that David had a romantic relationship with Jonathan. Such claims rightfully trouble those who defend the historic understanding of the Scripture’s sexual ethics. But do the such claims have merit?

Context Matters

While the hypothesis that Jonathan and David were friends with benefits makes sense of the modern belief that unrestrained sexual expression is the highest good, it does not make sense of David’s world or of adherence to Biblical morality. The ancient Jews believed that communion with the Lord and not sex proved to be man’s greatest good. David said of himself in Psalm 16:9 that, “My heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure” because “The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup (Ps 16:5).” David found his validation not in the bedroom with his latest lover but in the Lord’s sanctuary worshiping. As David wrote in Psalm 145:16, The Lord satisfies “the desire of every living thing.”

This is not to say that David forever found joy in the Lord. He did transgress God’s sexual ethic. A few pages over in 2 Samuel 3:2-5, the author of Scripture reveals that David had six wives. Moreover in 2 Samuel 11-12, the author explores David’s affair with Bathsheba and resulting judgment in detail. In other words, the Scriptures never whitewashed David’s sins or violations of God’s commands, presenting and condemning them as sin. Had David’s funeral oration implied a sexual relationship with Jonathan, a violation of Leviticus 18:22 which declared that laying with “a man as a woman” was “an abomination,” readers would expect the author of 2 Samuel to have offered an editorial condemnation of David’s actions. But no such condemnation exists.

David was not discussing a sexual connection. To imply otherwise, readers must negate both the historical setting of David’s words and the witness of David’s other Scriptural writings. They must give the text a meaning that David did not intend and that his original readers would never have seen. In short, the homosexual reading of this text so transforms David’s words that they come mean the very opposite of what author originally intended to convey.

What was David Saying?

Rather than exhorting the glories of male sexuality, David was championing the glories of faith-based friendship. In other words, David is answering the question of “what is better than sex?” His answer is: “Friendship that is built upon a shared trust in the Lord.” In 1 Samuel 14, readers meet Jonathan scaling up a mountain to almost single-handedly defeat a garrison of philistines. He does so because he believes that “The Lord has given them into the hand of Israel.” Similarly, David burst onto the scene against Goliath declaring, “This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, I will strike you down and cut off your head…that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel (1 Sam 17:46-47).” The men bonded over their shared love for and trust in the Lord. Jonathan famously testified to the nature of their relationship when by faith in God’s future promises he asked the then fugitive David to care for him and his family, saying, “If I am still alive, show me the steadfast love of the Lord, that I may not die; and do not cut off your steadfast love from my house forever, when the Lord cuts off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth (1 Sam 20:14-15).” Jonathan’s friendship proved better than sex for it pointed David to the Lord who satisfies every desire through the keeping of his promises.

Like David and Jonathan, Jesus also affirms that humans find their greatest fulfillment in worship and not sex. Commenting on an odd question from the Sadducees about marital relations in heaven, Jesus said, “For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven (Mk 12:25).” At death, sex ends. However, the worship of the Lord and relationship with both God and man continue. Thus, for the Christian, the greatest friendships are not tied inherently to sex or to procreation but to the unity built upon a shared trust in the Lord. Thus, Paul can say that he wished all believers were single as he was (1 Cor 7:7). Sex ends. Our love for God and those who love God does not.

So What About Marriage?

Though David praises Jonathan for his friendship, the shepherd’s friendship with the crown prince does not negate the beauties of marriage. The Bible exhorts men and women to marry because the institution pictures Christ’s love for the church (Eph. 5). Moreover, sex should not be a joyless, professional duty for the purpose of procreation. As Solomon says of his bride, “For your love is better than wine (1:2).” Rather God designed it to be a joyful expression of a unity built upon a shared faith in Christ whose fruit can produce both children and salvation. The biblical ideal is for couples to experience both spiritual and physical oneness.

But David’s relationship with Jonathan also warns against pursuing sex apart from a shared embrace of God’s Word. A single man or woman in a god-fearing asexual relationship with someone of the same gender can achieve a greater sense unity, love, and fulfillment with a believing friend than a believer can achieve with an unbeliever in the marriage bed. Sex cannot satisfy or make up for a lack of spiritual unity. Sex will fade and then disappear at death. But friendships built on a shared love for the Lord will last forever. May we never exchange eternal relationship for momentary gratification.

Final Thoughts

Though the secular mind declares most every sexual impulse to be a good and a rightful means of fulfillment, the Scriptures present a different narrative. They declare that man’s chief end is found in glorifying God. The truest and best relationships end not in sex but in worship. Though a Christian marriage should result in both spiritual and physical oneness providing the world with a beautiful picture of Christ and his church and a new generation of children, spiritual unity can be achieved outside the bonds of marriage. In other words, David was not a homosexual but a heterosexual man who delighted in the eternal joy that comes from having a friend who pointed him to the Lord. May we all (single and married) find such a friend and be such a friend!

Peter Witkowski Biblical Counseling, Discipleship

Mourning and Celebrating: A Biblical Response to Pastoral Sin

Christians typically either grab a magnifying glass or their broom when they discover that their pastor is no longer above reproach. Those in the detective camp pour over the disgraced man’s sermons, his aloof interpersonal skills, and his propensity to arrive five minutes late to everything hoping to create a diagnostic that will save them from future hurt. Those with the brooms take the opposite approach and attempt to sweep away all thoughts of the hurt. They refuse to talk about the sin and work hard to return to normal, excusing, overlooking, and ignoring the scandal. Though common, neither response aligns with scriptural principles. As seen in David’s response to the news of King Saul’s death in 2 Samuel 1:17-27, the appropriate response to the sin of God’s anointed consists of mourning the effects of his sin, hating the cause of his sin, and then celebrating good that God accomplished through this failed leader.

Mourn the Effects of His Sin

Though about to be king himself, David does not begin his lamentation with a leadership autopsy but with mourning. David laments the death of Saul because it obscures the glory of God. According to David, the Philistine women, the most vulnerable of God’s enemies, are gleefully mocking the one true God (2 Sam 1:19-20). They assume that God’s inability to save Saul reveals that God is weak and unable to give his people victory over their enemies. And now the enemies rejoice because they believe that the God of Israel is just another powerless deity crafted by human imagination to suppress and inspire the simple. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob needs no longer be feared or obeyed.

Understanding the confusion caused by Saul’s sin and death, David does not endlessly tweet about event or post YouTube videos discussing how to prevent future failures. He does not invite the world into the problems of God’s people but longs for the event to fade from the public consciousness so that God might once again be worshiped in spirit and in truth. David hates the Saul’s fall from power because it leads the wicked to false conclusions about the God of the universe.  

Instead of pointing to the ineffectiveness of God, the revelation of a pastor’s sin points to the credibility of God’s promises. It serves as a foretaste of God’s coming judgement when “whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops (Lk 12:3).” In other words, the rightful removal of a pastor through church discipline pictures God’s final judgment – that moment when all men and women are judged for their actions. In short, God always gets his man irrespective of his degrees, experience, and ministry footprint. Earthly embarrassment and punishments picture heavenly justice.

But what David understands, the world misses. Thus, David longs for the public discussion around Saul’s death to come to quick and timely end and thereby silence the mockery of the gentiles.

Mourn Causes of His Sin

While David wants the world’s focus on Saul’s death to be short, he does not sweep his own sorrow and hurt under the rug. Feeling the weight of Saul’s sin, David expresses a deep hatred for the events that led to Saul’s death. David goes so far as to pronounce a curse saying, “You mountains of Gilboa, let there be no dew or rain upon you nor fields of offerings (2 Sam 1:21)!” In so doing, David does not blame the mountain for Saul’s sins. As noted in 1 Chronicles 10:12, Saul deserved death because he had “broke faith with the Lord in that he did not keep the command of the Lord, and also consulted a medium, seeking guidance.” In cursing the mountain, David desires the destruction of every action that led to Saul’s downfall. In the same way, Christians should so hate the sin that led to their pastor’s removal that they curse the innocent laughs that led to an affair, the covetous urge for better vacations that led him to steal, and the lust for power that led him to abuse his staff. They should allow their pastor’s sin to provoke within them a fresh hatred of sin and a fresh commitment to pursue righteousness. Instead of pretending that their pastor’s sin did not profoundly wound them, Christians have the freedom to mourn these scars.

Celebrate the God’s Goodness

But believers should not remain forever in grief. Rather, they should continually move from grief to thanksgiving. In 2 Samuel 1:23-26, David praises the Lord for Saul, noting that Saul fought bravely with Jonathan and brought about an economic boom for God’s people. David encourages the daughters of Israel to, “weep over Saul who clothed you luxuriously in scarlet, who put ornament of gold on your apparel.” In other words, David blesses the Lord for using an evil king to advance the kingdom of Israel.

Similarly, men and women should praise the Lord for using unfaithful men to advance the kingdom of God. Though a pastor disqualifies himself, men and women can still praise the Lord for using that man to bring to them to faith or for using that pastor to restore their marriage. The power of the gospel resides not in a man nor in a particular pastor’s office but in the Lord. And if the Lord uses a deeply fallen man to advance his kingdom and to bring you spiritual good, praise the Lord for his faithfulness. Do not meditate forever on the man’s failure. End your meditations upon the faithfulness God who uses both the wicked and the righteous to advance his kingdom.

Without question, a greater good is accomplished by those who live out the truth that they teach. David rightfully feels a much closer bond to Jonathan. He encouraged David’s faith whereas Saul defied God and attempted to kill David. Still, David ends his lament for both men on the same note.  He praises the Lord for using them to advance his kingdom: “Saul and Jonathan, beloved and lovely (2 Sam 1:23)!”

A Quick Warning to the Sauls

But in praising the Lord for the good that Saul accomplished, David does not provide justification for sinners and abusers. Rather he entrusts the judgment of the wicked to the Lord who declared in Deuteronomy 32:35 that, “Vengeance is mine.”  No unrepentant pastor, elder, deacon, Sunday school teacher, or a parent will be able to defend their slander, greed, or sexual abuse on judgment day with an appeal to their kids’ success, their church’s growth, or the doubling of their budget. Those outcomes will have no effect upon their eternal destiny. Those who live in their sins will die in their sins. They will know nothing of the blessings that came so near to. Take the words of Matthew 7:21-23 to heart,

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.”

Though God uses the wicked to advance his kingdom, such usage grants no one access to Jesus’s throne.  To quote the Puritan Joseph Alleine, “You must part with your sins or with your soul; spare but one sin and God will not spare you.”  Pastor do not follow Saul, spare your sins, and die under God’s righteous judgment. 

Final Thoughts

Scholars believe the ancient Israeli army used David’s lament in 2 Samuel 1:17-27 as a marching song. Imagine them chanting the refrains on their PT runs or as they rushed to the front line. The lament’s common usage as well as the New Testament’s drum beat against false teaching reveal that pastors will continue to fall until Christ return. Nothing can immunize us from the possibility of future betrayal and hurt. But even when those dark days come, God will still accomplish his holy will (Rom 8:28). We need not become preoccupied with analyzing pastoral failure. Nor should we not excuse it. Rather following David’s example, we should mourn the effects of his sin, mourn the cause of his sin, and then celebrate God’s faithfulness. In other words, may we forever and always find our hope in God who will never fail us!

Peter Witkowski Discipleship

The Danger of Disordered Romance

Romantic love can prove deadly. Though western society views our internal longing for sexual fulfillment as the ultimate expression of meaning, the Bible portrays humanity’s unredeemed passion for sex outside of marriage as disordered and broken. When teaching the Thessalonians how to construct a stable church culture, the apostle Paul encourages them to restrain their romantic impulses. He writes, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know (1 Thess 4:3-5).” In other words, Paul tells men and women not to follow their hearts. Rather, they should resist their urges towards free sexual expression because sex apart from the biblical defined covenant of marriage leads to death and judgment.

Real Emotions

In calling for abstinence, Paul denies neither the existence nor the power of sexual urges. Living in a society dominated by sexually explicit art, Paul understands the relief that a man could find in porn, the excitement that an adulterous woman felt as she flirted with someone not her husband, and the sense of security that the homosexual experienced as he watched another man take romantic interest in him. Paul does not question the reality nor the strength of these feelings but rather their goodness.

Disordered Emotions

Though many westerners cannot imagine that their sexual imaginations and those of their friends could be broken, disordered, and harmful, the Scriptures asserts such a reality. As Paul notes in 1 Thess 4:4, those who conduct themselves in accordance with their passions, “do not know God.” Because Adam rebelled against God, eating the forbidden fruit, men and women have inherited not a disposition to goodness but corruption from their forefathers. Everything humanity undertakes from sex, to politics, to the maintenance of the lawn is marred by selfishness, greed, and anger. Not even the most successful among us can deny that the human experience depends upon therapists, oversight offices, and experts that can “fix things.”

Lest one think the idea of original sin unique to Paul, Jesus too proclaimed that evil comes not from resisting ones natural inclinations but from surrendering to them. He notes that, “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person (Mk. 7:21-23).” To follow one’s heart is to follow a path that leads one to sin and in-time to death, and judgment. When we follow our unrestrained sexual passions, we not only harm our own soul pushing our souls further from God’s righteousness, we also harm those that we bring into our sexual fantasies, pushing them further into the darkness of their hearts. And just as we long for human courts to hold those who steal from us accountable for their sins, God must hold us accountable for our sexual expressions outside of marriage for they violate God’s righteousness and harm our neighbor.

More Than Heterosexual Bias

Many westerners will object to such language as being nothing more than the intolerant biases of those who find sexual joy in heterosexual marriage and then seek to prevent all others from sharing in that joy. Were sex and sexual expression the height of human fulfillment, this complaint might have merit. But according to the Scriptures, the goal of humanity is not sexual union but union with Jesus.

The saving hope which enables us to escape and overcome our baser desires and achieve authentic relationship with both God and our neighbor is not found in the marriage bed but in Jesus’ arms. Without question faith in Jesus’ death, burial and resurrection will produce more ordered and more enjoyable marital sex. God designed sex to be enjoyed for his glory. But the telos of our faith is not sex but complete and perfect union with Christ…to go from seeing through a glass darkly to experiencing perfect communion with our savior free from all the disruptions of our broken bodies and souls. While marriage and all its sexual joys proves one of God’s primary means of preparing souls for heaven as the institution furthers both the creation mandate and the great commission, it is not the exclusive means of heavenly preparation.

As Jesus before us, Christians can glorify God apart from marriage and sex. Isaiah told the faithful eunuchs or the perpetual virgins of his day that God would give them “a monument and a name better than sons and daughters…an everlasting name that shall not be cut off (Isa 56:5).” Similarly, Paul praises the benefits of singleness or sexlessness writing, “So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better (1 Cor 7:38).” Sex will end. Marriage will end. Our relationship with the Lord will last forever. As the catechism says, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.” To trade the joy of Jesus for the joy of sex is to trade eternal satisfaction for unending want.

Conclusion

Though our bent towards sexual expression outside of marriage often feels inevitable and right, we don’t have to surrender to it. Those who trust in Jesus can overcome the temptation to sexual sin because Jesus who lives within them has conquered sin and death. Just as Jesus resisted Satan, so we too can resist the urge towards masturbation, pornography, adultery, and homosexuality. Jesus is alive!

And if we embrace those disorder passions, we will not find life but death. Like Eve before us, those who sin sexually declare God to be a liar, believing that true joy exists outside of the goodness of God. And like Eve before them, we will discover that nothing other than God, not even sex, can satisfy the soul nor provide an escape from God’s judgment. As Paul notes in 1 Thess. 4:8, “Therefore, whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God.” Those who follow their hearts will ultimately lose their souls. The Lord alone can give life! Place you hope in him…not in sex.