Peter Witkowski Discipleship

How Joshua Transforms the Way Christians Think About Dating and Marriage

 Most Christian stepping into the dating pool would not look to Joshua for dating or marriage advice. But they should. Moses’ second in command offers Christians a profound and yet often overlooked piece of advice that will save believers from a life time of heartache.

Joshua’s Advice

With the famous battles of Jericho (where the walls came tumbling down) and of the Valley of Aijalon (where the sun stood still) complete, Joshua understands that his leadership of the nation of Israel is at its end. As Moses before him, Joshua the now elder statesmen ends his reign with a farewell address that encourages the nation of Israel to “love the Lord your God (Jos 23:11).” While that sentiment can be found all throughout Scripture, what comes next proves unique to Joshua and will not be picked up again until Paul pens his second letter to the Corinthians. Joshua’s next instruction consists of an order that prohibits the Jews from embracing the cultures and religions of their pagan neighbors. However, Joshua’s warning looks not to geopolitical structures but to the marriage bed. Joshua instructs the Israelites not to “make marriages with them (Jos 23:13).” Though many Christians have dated the bad girl or accepted a proposal from the bad boy in hopes that they would intime redeem their significant other, Joshua says the opposite happens. Joshua says of the bad girls and boys, “they shall be a snare and a trap for you, a whip on your sides and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from off this good ground that the Lord your God has given you (Jos 23:13).”

To marry an unbeliever is to unite one’s soul to hardship, suffering, and judgment. The unredeemed spouse will turn the believer’s church attendance into a burden, her parenting into a battleground, and her finances into a point of constant tension. The unequaled yoked believer will wake up every morning to find him or herself trapped in a loveless marriage that must be endured until the spouse dies, leaves them, or commits adultery (1 Cor 7:15). As the Disciples noted in Matthew 19:10, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” In short, those believers who knowingly join themselves to an unbeliever join themselves to a lifetime of being whipped and stung.

Given the hardship that comes with uniting oneself to a sinner, Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:30 should be applied to the dating context: “And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.” Do not unite your soul to a living hell; do not knowingly date, get engaged to, or marry the unbeliever. Do not embrace sin and thereby lose your life if not even your soul. Run in the opposite direction. To quote Paul in 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 (the passage that picks up Joshua’s early warning): “14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?”

Will You be Different?

I suspect some who have arrived at this sentence still believe that their relationship will be different. Their significant other is not all that bad and is truly searching or profoundly spiritual. Moreover, you have promised the Lord that you will not stop praying, never stop talking to the boyfriend about God, and never stop urging him to church. With God’s help, this time will be different. He will change. Your faith will not waiver.

Again, the testimony of the Scriptures is clear. The marrying of unbelievers leads to ruin. Solomon who built the temple turned his back on the Lord because he had become one with multiple pagan women. The author of 1 Kings offers the following commentary on Solomon’s sin, “For when Solomon was old his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and his heart was not wholly true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father.”  Because of Solomon was unequally yoked, Solomon ends his life surrounded by rebellion, hardship, and afflictions (1 Kings 11:4). He felt the whippings and thorns of God. You will not do better. Do not listen to your heart. Heed the life-giving warnings of Scripture.

An Important Exception

While this blog has been focused on those who willfully enter marriages with unbelievers, I also recognize that not all believers married to unbelievers have done so intentionally. Some believers repented and believed post marriage. Others tied the knot believing in their heart of hearts that their spouse was saved and then tearfully watched that profession disintegrate into open rebellion as their marriage unfolded.

In both cases, the Scriptures offer hope and encouragement to the trapped spouse. Paul encourages these men and women to remain in their marriage if they are able because “the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy (1 Cor. 7:14-15).” Sometimes, God ordains the unequal yoking of some believers so that they might keep the unbelieving spouse from falling further under the influences of sin and that they might evangelize their children. And if the unbelieving spouse decides to leave them, the believer is free to remarry. To quote Paul, “In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace (1 Cor 7:15).” Though such marriages will prove hard as one is still in union with a fool, God is not against said brother or sister but is rather glorified by their faithfulness. He will sustain and will not afflict.

But I also encourage my readers not to pit God’s word against itself. God’s grace and mercy for those in such difficult situations does not negate the warning of Joshua, Paul, or King Solomon. Those who willfully go against the command of the Lord and date, get engaged to and marry an unbeliever will not find heaven on earth. They will find hell. Still, God will sustain you. He will be faithful, but life will be hard.

A Caution to Sisters

Dear sisters, if you are concerned about a man’s lack of faith as evidence by his failure to attend church, to cultivate the spiritual disciplines (prayer, bible reading and fasting), to encourage you in your faith, and to guard your physical purity, do not continue to date him. Do not contemplate marriage to him. He is a fool, an unbeliever, and destined for a fool’s punishment. To quote Psalm 10:4: “In the pride of his face the wicked does not seek him; all his thoughts are, “There is no God.” Do not attach your soul to a man who will lead you into sin and sorrow. Happiness is not ultimately found in relationship, sex, or marriage but in the Lord. Love him with all your heart.

A Caution to Brothers

Dear brothers, if you are concerned about a woman’s spiritual immaturity as evidenced by her lack of interest in spiritual conversations, her abandonment of the spiritual disciplines, her lack of church attendance, or her open embrace of sexual sin, I encourage you to flee from her. She too is a fool destined for fools’ punishment and will bring harm to your soul. As Solomon knew from personal experience, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife (Prov 21:9).” The man who marries an unbeliever because she is beautiful, gives him a sense of worth, or promises sex will live to regret his decision. To quote Solomon again, “Like a good ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion (Prov 11:22).” Do not marry a pig, surrender your soul to the evil woman, and endure a lifetime of the Lord’s chastisement. Happiness is not ultimately found in relationship, sex, or marriage but in the Lord. Love him with all your heart.

Final Thoughts

Dear brothers and sisters, if you hope to experience happily ever after, I encourage you to heed the warning of Joshua 23. Neither pursue nor encourage the pursuit of the fool and suffer a lifetime of chastisement and sorrow. Happiness, joy, and life are found in obeying the commands of God. To quote Solomon: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.  It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones (Prov 3:5-8).”

Dear single friend, heed the warning of Joshua; trust the Lord; don’t date or marry an unbeliever. Happiness and life our found in the Lord.  

Peter Witkowski Discipleship

David and Jonathan: The Illusion of Sex and the Nature of True Friendship

While those who adhere to the historic Christian faith love to champion the shepherd boy’s bold defeat of Goliath, they are much less comfortable with David and Jonathan’s relationship. In 2 Samuel 1:26, David famously pens the following oration for his dead friend, “I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; very pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was extraordinary surpassing the love of women.” Finding some parallels between David’s language above and that of the various sexual revolutions, some theologians have concluded that David had a romantic relationship with Jonathan. Such claims rightfully trouble those who defend the historic understanding of the Scripture’s sexual ethics. But do the such claims have merit?

Context Matters

While the hypothesis that Jonathan and David were friends with benefits makes sense of the modern belief that unrestrained sexual expression is the highest good, it does not make sense of David’s world or of adherence to Biblical morality. The ancient Jews believed that communion with the Lord and not sex proved to be man’s greatest good. David said of himself in Psalm 16:9 that, “My heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure” because “The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup (Ps 16:5).” David found his validation not in the bedroom with his latest lover but in the Lord’s sanctuary worshiping. As David wrote in Psalm 145:16, The Lord satisfies “the desire of every living thing.”

This is not to say that David forever found joy in the Lord. He did transgress God’s sexual ethic. A few pages over in 2 Samuel 3:2-5, the author of Scripture reveals that David had six wives. Moreover in 2 Samuel 11-12, the author explores David’s affair with Bathsheba and resulting judgment in detail. In other words, the Scriptures never whitewashed David’s sins or violations of God’s commands, presenting and condemning them as sin. Had David’s funeral oration implied a sexual relationship with Jonathan, a violation of Leviticus 18:22 which declared that laying with “a man as a woman” was “an abomination,” readers would expect the author of 2 Samuel to have offered an editorial condemnation of David’s actions. But no such condemnation exists.

David was not discussing a sexual connection. To imply otherwise, readers must negate both the historical setting of David’s words and the witness of David’s other Scriptural writings. They must give the text a meaning that David did not intend and that his original readers would never have seen. In short, the homosexual reading of this text so transforms David’s words that they come mean the very opposite of what author originally intended to convey.

What was David Saying?

Rather than exhorting the glories of male sexuality, David was championing the glories of faith-based friendship. In other words, David is answering the question of “what is better than sex?” His answer is: “Friendship that is built upon a shared trust in the Lord.” In 1 Samuel 14, readers meet Jonathan scaling up a mountain to almost single-handedly defeat a garrison of philistines. He does so because he believes that “The Lord has given them into the hand of Israel.” Similarly, David burst onto the scene against Goliath declaring, “This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, I will strike you down and cut off your head…that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel (1 Sam 17:46-47).” The men bonded over their shared love for and trust in the Lord. Jonathan famously testified to the nature of their relationship when by faith in God’s future promises he asked the then fugitive David to care for him and his family, saying, “If I am still alive, show me the steadfast love of the Lord, that I may not die; and do not cut off your steadfast love from my house forever, when the Lord cuts off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth (1 Sam 20:14-15).” Jonathan’s friendship proved better than sex for it pointed David to the Lord who satisfies every desire through the keeping of his promises.

Like David and Jonathan, Jesus also affirms that humans find their greatest fulfillment in worship and not sex. Commenting on an odd question from the Sadducees about marital relations in heaven, Jesus said, “For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven (Mk 12:25).” At death, sex ends. However, the worship of the Lord and relationship with both God and man continue. Thus, for the Christian, the greatest friendships are not tied inherently to sex or to procreation but to the unity built upon a shared trust in the Lord. Thus, Paul can say that he wished all believers were single as he was (1 Cor 7:7). Sex ends. Our love for God and those who love God does not.

So What About Marriage?

Though David praises Jonathan for his friendship, the shepherd’s friendship with the crown prince does not negate the beauties of marriage. The Bible exhorts men and women to marry because the institution pictures Christ’s love for the church (Eph. 5). Moreover, sex should not be a joyless, professional duty for the purpose of procreation. As Solomon says of his bride, “For your love is better than wine (1:2).” Rather God designed it to be a joyful expression of a unity built upon a shared faith in Christ whose fruit can produce both children and salvation. The biblical ideal is for couples to experience both spiritual and physical oneness.

But David’s relationship with Jonathan also warns against pursuing sex apart from a shared embrace of God’s Word. A single man or woman in a god-fearing asexual relationship with someone of the same gender can achieve a greater sense unity, love, and fulfillment with a believing friend than a believer can achieve with an unbeliever in the marriage bed. Sex cannot satisfy or make up for a lack of spiritual unity. Sex will fade and then disappear at death. But friendships built on a shared love for the Lord will last forever. May we never exchange eternal relationship for momentary gratification.

Final Thoughts

Though the secular mind declares most every sexual impulse to be a good and a rightful means of fulfillment, the Scriptures present a different narrative. They declare that man’s chief end is found in glorifying God. The truest and best relationships end not in sex but in worship. Though a Christian marriage should result in both spiritual and physical oneness providing the world with a beautiful picture of Christ and his church and a new generation of children, spiritual unity can be achieved outside the bonds of marriage. In other words, David was not a homosexual but a heterosexual man who delighted in the eternal joy that comes from having a friend who pointed him to the Lord. May we all (single and married) find such a friend and be such a friend!

Peter Witkowski Discipleship

Are Your Kids Old Enough To Date?

kids-to-young-to-dateThe other day, my two-year-old mentioned in passing that two of his friends “liked” each other. Now he probably did not know what he was saying, but his discussion reveals our kids are never too far away from thinking about dating and boyfriends and girlfriends. And when they do land on these topics and want our opinion, we should be ready with an answer.

Thankfully the Bible gives us direction on this subject. In Mark 10:6-8, we read:

But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh.

From this passage, we can extra three important principles for determining when are children are ready to date.

1. Our children will be ready to date when they are attracted to members of the opposite sex. As parents devoted to the Scriptures, we can only encourage our children to date members of the opposite sex. This is God’s design for the universe. We do not get to decide. God does. He has already declared that boys should date girls and that girls should date boys. Any variation upon this plan is wrong and sinful. As Godly parents, we should only encourage our children to date if they are willing to follow God’s design for gender and marriage.

2. Our children are ready to date if they are ready to leave and cleave. If your son is too young to get a job and to provide for his future wife, he is too young to date. If your daughter is too young to leave your house and set up a new home with her boyfriend, she is too young to date. If you are taking your daughter to the movie theatre and picking up your son from the ice cream shop, your kids are too young to date. They cannot in any meaningfully hope to leave and cling to that cute guy in school or to the pretty girl down the street. They lack the social and economic skills needed to create their own family. However, the high school senior that has a job and pays for all of his bills may be ready for marriage.

3. Our children are not controlled by animal impulses. We should be encouraged to see that our young men are attracted to young ladies and that our young ladies are attracted to young men. We must realize that such urges and desires to be with members of the opposite sex are good and right. But, we must also realize that these desires can come early and be perverted by all kinds of sin. Because we live in a fallen world, our kids will experience hormonal surges and desires for intimacy that they cannot implement without breaking God’s commands. Many children and youth will desire to express their physical urges before they have the ability to leave and cleave. When this happens, we must remind our kids that God’s commands do not conflict. Sexuality and intimacy between a man and woman are always supposed to occur in marriage. And until they are ready for marriage, our children must wait to express these things. As Josh McDowel tells teenagers,

Yes your hormones are strong. Yes, it can be difficult to wait, but the bottom line is sex is a choice. You are not an animal. You are a human being with God-given ability to love, to think , to create, and to make moral choices.

Consequently, the best way to handle the urges for marriage is to trust Christ. We should not encourage our kids to date before they are ready for a one flesh union. Rather, we should point them to Christ and tell them to wait, trusting that God will meet their needs and empower them to overcome temptation until they are ready for their spouse.

As I Corinthians 10:13 says,

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

God is always faithful.

Now, my two-year-old and his friends will not be dating anytime soon. Nor does he really want to. His greatest loves are basketball and Mickey Mouse. But at some point, he will want to talk about more than Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Your kids too will be interested in dating if they are not already. When the subject comes up, what will you tell them?