Peter Witkowski Discipleship

5 Ways To Resolve Conflict

Conflict-BlogIt finds us. Whether we stay at home, go to school, or commute to the office, conflict will find us. Kids will disobey us, coworkers will disagree with us, and friends will say hurtful things to us. And what often starts as a bright day full of hope quickly becomes rocked by thundering rain clouds of frustration. Conflict has arrived.

Now not all conflict is bad.  Often competing ideas can be used by God to promote godly change, to increase productivity and to develop godly character. As we learn to submit to another in love, the church wins. As Jesus said in John 13:35, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

But obviously many conflicts do not turn out this way. Instead of leading to unity, conflict often produces anger, bruised feelings, and broken relationships. Why does this happen? According to James 4 sinful conflict explodes in our lives because of what’s in our hearts. Notice what he says,

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.

We fight, we get mad, and we quarrel with each other because we are not getting what we want. Think about some of these common responses to conflict: “I don’t care what he said, he has no right to talk to me that way; I deserve better; all I wanted was a little peace and quiet; who does she thinks she is; don’t they realize all my skills, abilities and years of service.” This is not to say that the other party is innocent. But the reason we get mad, the reason we respond to sin with more sin is that we love things more than God. We want respect, peace, ease, and love. When we don’t get them, we arm our passions and go out on the war path seeking to attack, humble, and destroy anyone who does not worship us like we worship us. Hence, we are involved in sinful conflict because our hearts are focused on things other than God.

So how do we resolve conflict and bring it to a conclusion?

1. Seek To Glorify God:

Conflict is not fun. But it is also not pointless. Conflict exists so that you and me can
become more like Christ. As we repent of sinful heart attitudes, practice forgiveness, and extend love, we will see our faith expand. Though trials are never enjoyable, they are not pointless. Conflict exists so that we will become perfect and complete. If we want to see our conflicts resolved and our relationships restored, we must seek to redeem the situation we find ourselves in. We must not fear conflict. We must see it as an opportunity for good and for kingdom expansion!

2. Repent:

We get mad not because of what someone else did or said. We get mad because we are peace maklerfinding satisfaction in something other than Christ. To disarm our hearts, we have to confess to God that we are prideful, selfish, and coveting. We have to set our minds on the things above. We must meditate on all that God has done for us through the cross. We must find our hope, joy, and validation in him. Before we can hope to solve human conflict, we must first get our hearts right with God.

3. Confess:

After we repent of our sins, we must seek out those whom we have offended and confess our sins to them. Even if the other person started the fight, even if they’ve done more wrong than us, we must go to them in love, confessing our sins. If we hope to win our brothers and sisters back, we must honestly tell them all our wrongs and ask them to forgive us. We must as Jesus says get the log out of our own eye (Matt 7:5). Many conflicts roll on year after year unresolved because no one is willing to confess their sins. We can’t make others change. But we can deal with our own sin. To begin the process of restoration, we must repent and confess our own sins to every person that we have wronged. As Proverbs 28:13 says,

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.

4. Go In Love:

After we have confessed our sins and mistakes – then and only then- can we loving
express our concerns to others. Of course, we should only directly talk to those that have wronged us. Telling our friends what so and so did may validate our sinful heart attitudes, but those words will not lead the other person towards repentance. Rather, we go privately go to the person who has offended us, and tell them their sin (Matt 18). And we do not list every character flaw they have ever had. Instead, we tell them about specific sins, hoping that they will respond with repentance.

5. Forgive:

If someone has wronged us, we must be ready to forgive them. When a former enemy asks us to forgive them, we must say yes. We must remember all that God has done, forgiving others because God has forgiven us (Col. 3:13). Regardless of what someone did to us, we have done more to God and been forgiven. If we are God’s children, we can forgive others. This may not come easy. Our flesh will say, “No way.” But as we plead with God to help us, he will change our hearts. If we have been redeemed by God, we can love our enemies. Now forgiveness does not mean that consequences disappear. The child who ate a one-pound bag of Oreos by himself is still banded from the pantry. But his parents, no longer hold the crime against him. They no longer mention it or bring it up. They have forgiven him. As Ken Sande said,

Forgiveness is a radical decision not to hold an offense against the offender.

We must be ready to forgive.resovling conflict

Conflicts can get tricky in a hurry. But no conflict has to destroy. For Christians, there is always hope. For more info about how to deal with conflicts, I highly recommend that you checkout Resolving Every Day Conflict or The Peace Maker by Ken Sande.

Are you ready to biblically resolve your conflict?

 

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/28842017@N00/26326972123″>street portrait</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

 

Peter Witkowski Parenting

7 Signs That Your Kid’s Friend Is A Fool

Ah friends. We can’t live without them. And often, we can’t live with them. Quite bad friendnaturally, we want our kids to have good friends too. At their best, childhood friends are buddies, encouragers, and fellow enthusiasts who create bonds that last a lifetime. As Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.” But at their worst, childhood companions are drama queens, bullies, and liars that bring a steady stream of misery into our families.

So how do discover if our kids’ friends are little angles or little demons? How do we help them determine who to get close to and who to run from? We appeal to the scriptures. According to the Bible, bad friends, fools, are defined by these 7 characteristics. Let’s take a look:

1. A Fool Hates God

We must encourage our kids not to trust themselves to those who mock God, the Bible, or the people of God. The kid who makes fun of VBS, says the Bible is not true, and lies about the pastor should not be our kid’s best friend. In Psalm 14:1 and in 53:1 we ready that, “The fool says in his heart, ““There is no God.”” Any girl, boy, or teenager who openly makes fun of church, misrepresents the Bible, and attacks God should not be welcomed as a friend. Those who hate God are by nature fools. Rather, we should encourage our kids to befriend those who enjoy being around other Christians, who read the scriptures, and who love God.

2. A Fool Despises Wisdom

If a kid or teenager is constantly rejecting the advice of his parents, teachers, and counselors, she should not become our child’s best friend. Those who despise wisdom and instruction are fools. Proverbs 12:15 states, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.”  And in Proverbs 28:26, we read, “Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.” Those who love the Lord know they don’t have all the answers. They also embrace the advice of those who are wiser than them. As Proverbs 1:7 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.” We should encourage our kids to seek out friends who love wisdom.

The heart of him who had understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouth of fools feeds on folly (Prov. 15:14).

3. A Fool Disgraces His Family

If the parents’ of your child’s friends are discouraged, exhausted, and frustrated by their child, run. Fools and those who will lead your children to sin exasperate and disgrace their parents. Proverbs 17:25 says, “A foolish son is a grief to his father and bitterness to her who bore him.” A godly friend will be a blessing and encouragement to his family (Proverbs 10:1;15:5). Encourage your child to seek out friends who have good relationships with their parents.

4.  A Fool Talks A lot

He shares every feeling, every thought, and every supposed insight (Prov. 17:28; 29:11; Eccl. 10:14). And though he freely tells all, he refuses to listen to those around him. The result is chaos both in his life and the life of his friends. He fills his Facebook feed, Instagram account, Twitter handle, and Snap Chat messages with complaints, boasts, and slander (Prov. 10:14). His words (both typed and spoken) lead to fights, drama, and quarrels. As Proverbs 18:6 says, “A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating.” Don’t befriend this guy. Fools can’t help themselves from oversharing about pretty much everything. Encourage your kids to avoid the guy who “flaunt his folly” (Proverbs 13:16). Rather, encourage them to pursue kids who are slow to speak, and who are slow to take offense. As Proverbs 10:19 says,

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

5.  A Fool Enjoys Sinning

A bad friend will enjoy sin. They will encourage those around them to cheat, lie, and steal with them. Why? The fools views her transgressions to be nothing more than a joke. As Proverbs 10:23 says, “Doing wrong is like a joke to a fool, but wisdom is pleasure to a man of understanding.” The kid who loves breaking God’s laws should not become our kid’s friend. We should encourage our kids to befriend those who love God and flee from evil.

6.  A Fool Harms People

In Proverbs 13:20, we read that “the companion of fools will suffer harm.” If someone is a fool, he will lead his friends into detention, into conflict, and perhaps even into legal troubles. A good friend will never encourage our kid to sin. Good friends direct our kids away from sin. As Proverbs 14:16 says, “One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless.” Let’s encourage our kids to befriend those who love righteousness.

7.  A Fool Is Quick Tempered

Does a kid throw is bat at the baseball game, shout at his parents, and dress down his friends at a moment’s notice? Then we should encourage our kids to avoid him. Those prone to anger are not just over competitive. They are fools. Notice what Ecclesiastes 7:9 says, “Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools.” Pursue those kids who are humble.

 

If a child hates God, despises wisdom, disgraces their families, talks a lot, enjoys sin, harms others, and is quick tempered, they should not be our child’s friend. If our kids trust themselves to a fool, they will suffer harm. Their lives will be turned upside down by drama and sin. (This is not to say our kids should avoid all sinners. We should always reach out to unbelievers. But we should not let them direct our lives or speak into our hearts.)  As the apostle Paul wrote, “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

Rather, we should encourage are kids to pursue close meaningful relationships with kids who love God and their neighbors. Our kids’ friends will shape our them. Are you ready to help them pick good ones?

Peter Witkowski Discipleship

How To Get Ahold Of Your Emotions

emottionsIf the NCAA Tournament has taught us anything, its  that emotions are everywhere. Seemingly after every game, the world of social media was flooded with pictures of depressed girls with tear stained faces. And it is not just basketball or sports. Emotions seep in and out of every area of our lives. Believe it or not, even guys have emotions. Sorry Brohemes; its true.

So  how do we  biblical think through our emotions? Well, we inform them:

The Bible And Emotions

According to the scriptures, emotions flow from the heart. The things we think and meditate on determine what we do and how we feel about our actions and the actions of others. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, /for from it flow the springs of life.” People’s emotions are driven by the things their heart treasures.

Sadly, we cannot trust our hearts. They are desperately wicked and unstable (Jer. 17:9). As Christ says in Mathew 15:19 “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.”  And if we do let our heart be our guide,  we the only path we will find is the one that ends in death and destruction.

 Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, /but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered (Proverbs 28:26). 

Rather than listen or being controlled by emotions, Christians all called to think biblically (Col 3:1-2). They are to let the gospel inform their emotions (Ps 51:1-2). As Proverbs 23:19 says, “Hear, my son, and be wise, /and direct your heart in the way.”

Responding To Sinful Emotions

When we encounter someone overcome with emotion, we should be cautiously thankful. While the emotion is not the ultimate problem, it does reveal what’s is in a person’s heart. Instead of focusing on the emotion, the we should focus on why the emotion is being displayed. If a friend is angry about his wife cooking, we should ask him, “when you sin and shout at your wife what do you want? What would make you stop getting angry?” We should try to get at the thoughts and ideas that are driven the man to snap at his wife instead of lecturing him solely on the evils of anger.

Fixing Our Emotions

To tell the difference between sinful emotions and righteous emotions, we must examine our actions. Righteous emotions lead to godliness, peace and  repentance. Unrighteous emotions lead to worldliness and sin. For example, two men can both feel guilt when they look at pornography. The first responds by asking he wife for forgiveness, places filters on his pc and phone, and  submits himself to accountability and is satisfied with God. The second confesses his sin, but refuses to put filters. He regularly looks at pornography, and lives for pleasure. Emotions are always tied to actions. Good emotions result in godly actions. Bad emotions lead us to sin.  As 2 Corinthians 7:10 makes clear,

For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.

To change improper emotions, a we must change the way they think. Instead of focusing upon our problems, our struggles, and our enemies, we need to meditate on God’s character and person.

As Psalm 34:8 says, “Oh, taste and see that the is good! /Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!.