Though most souls affirm that beauty can be expressed through sexual intimacy, few know how to nurture. Many of us learned about sexual intimacy in the shadows of pornography far removed from the light of relationship.

This explicitly charged discipleship model has trained us to view sexual intimacy as a private concern worthy of celebration. It makes personal gratification the measure of success. If a man finds satisfaction with his wife, he deems that to be good for society. Similarly, if he finds gratification with a woman who is not his wife or with another man, he thinks society should affirm those expressions of private sexual appetite. According to the wisdom of our postmodern society, most all expressions of sexual fulfillment are deemed valuable and worthy of affirmation. Too much brokenness and hurtful judgment already exists. In other words, those who limit intimacy to traditional, heterosexual marriage stand opposed to human fulfillment and flourishing.

This approach to sexuality has increasingly taken root in the church. After all, Christian Messiah came not to affirm the legalism of his day but to promote love. Jesus never directly addressed the complex issues associated with homosexuality or polymerous relationships. He was too busy caring for the sick, hungry, and broken. Moreover, some think that since God created both sexes, he will welcome all expressions of sexual intimacy. In other words, Jesus longs for every soul to experience sexual fulfillment, joy, and acceptance. Still the question remains: is the popular narrative really how Jesus approached human sexuality?

It is not. Jesus calls us to live out our sex life within the context of God’s law.

More than Sex

To be clear, Jesus does care deeply about human flourishing and by extension human sexuality. The scriptures frequent touch upon sex, praising its good expressions and criticizing its abuses.

But Jesus does not believe human fulfillment is derived from sexual intimacy. Rather, Jesus locates love and acceptance in the soul’s relationship with God. Despite the blind musing of some authors, the historical narratives reveal that Jesus never married and never enjoyed sexual intimacy outside of marriage. Jesus experienced the favor of God outside of the context of sexual intimacy through his fulfillment of the law (Matt 3:17). He then goes on to call his followers to this same level of purity irrespective of their sexual urges, declaring, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

This proves to be an exceptional moment in redemptive history. In Genesis 3, Adam and Eve, the progenitors of humanity, violated the very simple first Law of God which consisted of avoiding the fruit on one tree. When they ate the forbidden fruit, they corrupted their nature and then bequeathed that brokenness to every human being who came after them. Because of that first transgression against the Law of God, human sexuality, physicality, and reason were forever bent towards evil. No soul could obey the law. Men and women were forever separated from God for holiness could not fellowship with corruption. They were many things, but purity was not one of them.

When Jesus died on the cross, he fulfilled once and for all the payment for sin. By his blood, he cleansed all who would repent and believe from the penalties and moral stains of their evil deeds. The very power that enabled Jesus to keep the Law operates in the soul of every believer, producing experiences of joy, contentment, and fulfillment. In other words, human flourishing comes through the gospel of Jesus Christ which enables men and women to enjoy the favor of God.

A Quick Word on Singleness

This fulfillment can be achieved irrespective of a person’s marital status. The thief on the cross never knew the joys of Christian marital intimacy and yet entered heaven full of joy (Lk 23). Jesus notes, “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like angels in heaven (Matt 22:30).” Picking up on Jesus’s eternal focus, Paul writes, “he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better (1 Cor 7:38).” The apostle is asserting that singleness and a lack of sexual intimacy does not negatively impact the soul’s experiences of spiritual fulfillment. The married and unmarried can both know the joys of salvation. Instead of hindering happiness, singleness and abstinence founded upon the gospel often help facilitate one’s relationship with God.

Sex in the Kingdom

For sexual intimacy to support human flourishing, it must align with God’s design for the sexes through the saving grace of the gospel. In Genesis 2, God made men and women in-part for the purpose of life-giving sexual intimacy. Jesus reaffirmed the Genesis mandate in Matthew 19:4-6 and condemned adultery. While marriage certainly fosters procreation, it also should foster spiritual growth of the husband and of the wife for it is based on expressions of selflessness. Theologian John McArthur writes, “The two key attitudes in a successful marriage are self-denial and self-giving, both of which are contrary to human nature but made possible to those who trust in God through Jesus.” The husband is to love his wife “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Eph 5:25).” The wife is to humbly support her husband, affirming his leadership (Eph 5:22,33). Admittedly neither spouse will perfectly reflect Christ. But in these moments of failure, the beauty of mercy and meekness cemented in the marriage covenant shine as each spouse both asks for and extends forgiveness to the other. In this context of selflessness, sexuality flourishes (1 Cor 7:3). Both the husband and the wife enter intimacy to express their love for the other. In-turn, they discover the fulfillment of selfless love. Sex becomes the most intimate expression of the ethic of the kingdom of heaven which states, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them (Matt 7;12).”

Sex Outside Marriage

When intimacy sneaks its way outside of the marriage union, sexuality becomes an expression of personal consumption. Instead of seeking to affirm her partner, the adulterer exploits her partner for her gain. Once she has her physical urges met and emotional wants stroked, she dispenses with her partner regardless of his sense of satisfaction. Since he is not invested in her success, he too can turn their one-night stand into an unflattering Instagram post. Trust evaporates. According to an article in the Atlantic, intimacy divorced from commitment proves to be less frequent, more medical harmful, and less fulfilling than the sexual intimacy found in long term relationships. In other words, sexual freedom produces less sexual intimacy.

It also leads to spiritual death. The apostle Paul notes that “neither the sexual immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality” will inherit the kingdom of God (1 Cor 6:9). Those who insists on sleeping with their boyfriend, a having office romances while married, and enjoying open marriages will not enter by the narrow gate. Adultery left unchecked will ruin the soul.

Your Mind And Sex

But according to Jesus, adultery is not the only form of sexual malfeasance that wrecks the soul. Jesus cares just as much about the woman fantasizing about her neighbor as he does about the man who sleeps with his coworker while on vacation. He strengthens the religious prohibition against adultery to include the heart saying, “everyone that looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” To be guilty of adultery one never has to be in the same room with the object of his or her lust. No clothes need come off. To lust, the soul needs only to covet sexual intimacy with someone who is not his or her spouse to be guilty of lust. Once the mind meditates, explores, and expands upon ideas of intimacy outside of marriage, it joins Adam and Eve’s open rebellion against God, declaring the human heart to be the arbitrator of what is good and right. Sadly, the mind that refuses to mourn its lust, preferring to hide in a lifetime of dirty images, will never know comfort of salvation.

The Solution to Bad Sex

To avoid spiritual death, the soul must put forth every effort to be rid of lust. Jesus notes in Matthew 5:30, “If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better to lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.” The savior of the universe does not want Christians to fight lust with physical mutilation. The context of Matthew 5 reveals that Jesus is discussing matters of the heart. He is calling his listeners to perform open heart surgery to remove all sources of sexual sin.

In 2003, outdoor enthusiasts, Aron Lee Ralston, slipped while climbing in Utah and found his arm pinned against a mountain by a bolder. After waiting five days for help and having exhausted his water, Ralston took matters into his own hands. He pulled out the 2-inch blade from his pocketknife and slowly and methodically cut off his arm. Over the span of 2 hours, he sliced his way through skin, arteries, bones, and eventually the nerve. He amputated his arm to save his life. Had he kept his arm, he would have died.

The Christian should take the same radical approach to lust. If his smartphone provides his hearts with avenues to lust, he should drop his cell service. If her Netflix account fosters sexual fantasies, she should drop it and be thought a neanderthal by her family. If that Facebook connection allows one to dream about sexual intimacy with an old high school sweetheart, the believer should quit Facebook and be thought unfriendly. The Christian should realize that unchecked adultery leads to death and hack off anything that would cause the heart to stumble into lust. If the believer takes the knife to his heart, Christ promises to help. The God who fulfilled the law will empower the soul to pluck out its eye and to cut off its hands. The soul that fails to discover freedom from lust proves it has truly mourned its sin. In other words, the heart that does not fight adultery is most assuredly already being destroyed adultery.

2 thoughts on “Sex, Singleness & Marriage in the Kingdom of God

  1. As a single, never married man it emphases the need to be wise in who I choose to marry and how I would approach married life knowing that God’s intention is there is no exit clause to marriage other than death.

    My theological question on the topic, which is admittedly the equivalent of “how many angels can dance on the head of a pin,” in terms of relevance and importance is: would Jacob have been morally justified in divorcing Leah when he discovered what had happened? I think initially maybe, given that it was a fraudulent marriage, but that he would be wrong to down the line decide divorce her over that if times get hard. I also feel if God would tell him to choose to love her and be her husband even though she didn’t deserve it given the circumstances of the marriage.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Andrew, I got married at 28. Prior to that I had come to the resolve that it was better to be single than poorly married. I have watched more than one guy leave the ministry to save his family or leave because his family was beyond saving.

      Though Laban somehow deceived Jacob, I think Jacob would not have license to divorce Rachel. He still took the actions needed to consummate the marriage in word in deed. Since he was truly married to Rachel, byer’s regret would not justify his divorce from Leah. Also, marrying Rachel was a really bad solution. God graciously overcome Jacob’s foolishness for good.


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